Blogs are supposed to be kind of like a digital journal, right? Well, here is some real journaling(sp?)...
Anybody ever feel like the world is leaving you behind? I've been reading Ryan's facebook posts recently and it sounds like everyone is making plans. I know of someone going to Haiti this summer, someone to New York. My 3 sisters and brother-in-law are spending 3 weeks in Europe (a little more time than my 2 trips combined). I just heard a friend got engaged (congratulations Chris!), another is getting married, and 3 are having babies. Another 2 friends are making plans and preparing to start nursing school in a couple of months. My parents just bought a new house after renting for 32 years and a friend is packing up and moving from Austin to California. My sister-in-law got married in January and is finishing up her bachelor's degree and getting ready to start her master's. Two of my sisters are looking into purchasing new cars. The list seems to go on and on!
Now, what am I doing, you ask? I'm sitting here feeding my almost-2-month-old-daughter praying that the pattern she started last night won't continue and that she'll go back to sleep (in her own bed) and sleep longer than an hour and a half. My plans for this week include a doctor's visit for her 2-month check-up and... well, entertaining and taking care of her. Oh, and I am planning on going to the movies!! It will be my first time out without Leila (other than doctor's visits) since she was born and I've got to say, I'm a little nervous.
I would not, in a million years or for anything, trade my time with my baby girl. She is my precious gift from God; my little miracle; and I'm grateful for every moment I spend with her. But, I just found out that all of my hard work over the past year, and all of my well-laid plans have all been for naught. That "the wind is moving but I am standing still", and I'm trying to figure out where to go from here while it seems like everyone else has got it figured out and is moving forward, even if it is just toward a vacation. (Does this sound as selfish to you as it does to me?)
This is where that contentedness I mentioned comes into play. Here I am, so blessed to have my precious baby girl in my arms, and I'm upset that I'm not making any big plans. Don't get me wrong... Having a baby IS a big plan. But, after the having comes the raising, and the first few months are a blur of feedings and changings and not much else. I guess I'm just feeling a little claustrophobic. (Thanks, Rachel. I don't think the movie could've come at a better time!) I'm so used to always
moving; usually having too much on my plate. I guess I'm not good at not doing and just being.
Lord, help me to be content in all things. I really want to enjoy this special time with Leila. I'm sure there will come a day when I will wish I had no plans and had the time to just be a mom. Help me to learn to be thankful for where I'm at and not always worried about where I'm going.
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I think what you are feeling is normal right now. Being a mommy is the best plan/job/responsibility in the world, but it does mean saying goodbye to a host of other dreams and plans (if only for a while). It also means redefining how you see yourself and what is most important in life.
ReplyDeleteThis necessity of reworking yourself comes all at once, along with the scary realization that you are responsible for the life of someone who is completely helpless. And, oh yeah, you have just been thrown on a hormonal roller coaster!
On top of all the normal new-mommy stuff, you've also had an extra disappointment.
It's just a lot to handle. It helps me to remember that saying yes to anything (a spouse, baby, job, vacation) almost always means saying no to one thousand other things.
In my opinion, though, you said yes to the best thing!
Thanks, Rachel.
ReplyDeleteI never thought about it that way, but you're right. We've dreamed of this time for so long, but never once did I comprehend what it meant giving up. And, as much as things have changed for my family and for Ryan, the biggest changes have been in my life, and that is kind of hard to handle, too - watching life function normally (or semi-normally) for everyone else while mine is turned upside down.
I wouldn't trade this time for anything. I guess I just wish I could mix in a little of the old normalcy every now and then. I think I miss the excitement of having things to look forward to! (Sounds weird, I know.)
Anyway, thanks for letting me know you understand, and that I'm not a terrible mother/person for feeling this way.
You are not a terrible mother or a terrible person!! These feelings are completely normal, even if many are not able to admit it. My mantra has been: "This is just a season. This is just a season."
ReplyDeleteIn the course of one's lifetime, this time of "feeling claustrophobic" will seem short; it won't be long until she's in a schedule and you can do almost anything you had been doing before with ease (then you have another one and everything gets jacked up again..! :)
The wee little ones are the selfish ones; completely self-centered, totally dependent, and that's exactly how they were created to be. And Mommies were created to meet those needs.
Yes, try to remind yourself to relax and enjoy the moment, but don't absolutely neglect yourself or you will go crazy! I'm so glad you came to the movies with us!
Remember Halo nights of long ago? It's our turn! We should plan Mommy's-night-out and have Daddy daycare!
Tara
Thanks, Tara. I love that idea!! Let's do it!
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